Nucleus is pleased to announce a revolution in journalism: The Gender Non-Specific Advice Device – or GNSAD. This revolution in journalistic technique is to Aunt Agony what your iPhone 5 is to your grandma’s stationary set, GNSAD is to Dear Abby what a modern motor car is to a sloth in roller skates. We’ve been working on its calculatorial capabilities for literally weeks and now its ready- spitting out the fast facts of life at NBN speeds. We’ve dialled the snark to 11 and loaded the memory stick full of relevance, so if you have a quandary a head-scratcher or any other social, moral or human difficulty who better to ask then the most up to date machine?____________

My Prospective squeeze is a Christian, should I allow this to dissuade me from pursuing him?

I think the fact that you have asked this question should instruct you in this matter. If you can’t see his personality behind his crucifix, don’t waste your time- or his.

I love my pet rabbit very much, but he hates me and eats all my clothes. How can I make him love me?

Rabbits are not capable of love, at least not in the way humans are. You can stop him chewing your clothes probably, Google ‘rabbit training’.

My father in law came to stay many years ago. He was a man of few possessions. When he left a pair of underpants behind I put them away intending to give them back at some point. Unfortunately, he passed away before I had the chance to give back his underpants. Now I have had them in the cupboard for more than ten years, and I don’t know what to do. It feels too sad to throw them away, but I don’t think I would like anyone keeping my undies after I have died. Please help.

A common custom to memorialise the birth of a child is to have their booties cast in bronze. Perhaps you could initiate a similar custom for memorialising the deceased by having the pants cast.

My friend has terrible body odour, how can I tell him that he needs wear deodorant?

Try “you need to wear deodorant”.

Editorials: March 2013

A Day On The Green

A Day On The Green