Medmonics

Medmonicsor, shit medicos say to each other that no one ever understands

“Patient was a LOL in NAD, PFO, BIBA. No MHx, SHx or drugs. Drinks 20 units 1/365. Imp: prolapse.”

Ever gone the hospital or clinic and wondered just what the actual fuck the docs and nurses are talking about? My job is to teach you.

‘LOL’ ‘Little Old Lady’, we don’t laugh out loud.

‘NAD’ No Apparent Distress

‘BIBA’ Brought In By Ambulance

‘Gastrointestinal’ They’re talking about your guts.

‘Renal’ They’re talking about your kidneys

‘Neurogenic’ They’re talking about how dumb they think you are

‘Reticuloendothelial system’ If you hear these words, get a second opinion, they mean the doctor who said them is more than happy to diagnose you with an extremely rare disease that you almost certainly don’t have

‘Decompensating’ A really euphemistic word for “this poor fellow is probably fucked”

‘Faecal Impaction’ Full of shit

‘Faecal Disimpaction’ You’re about to have a really awkward time

‘Faecal Encephalitis’ (en-kef-al-eye-tiss) Shit for brains, a really dumb person

‘Urinary Catheterisation’ No, no, shit son, run! The cure is worse than the disease

Ok, as far as I’m aware no real doctors still say this shit, the med school says it’s very unprofessional (except NAD and BIBA, they teach that in the first few weeks). But it certainly used to be a thing.

So if you’re stuck in the emergency department at six a.m., waiting for the broken leg you sustained last night, drunk, when your mates pushed you onto a railway track (oh, yeah, PFO - Pissed and Fell Over. Almost let that one get away), to be fixed, and you happen to catch a grizzled old doctor say the word “faecal”, it’s probably not about how stupid you are. But it could be.

- Christoff

A Word with Judd - September 2013

GNSAD - September 2013

GNSAD - September 2013