On this her debut issue, UNE’s own mistress of mysticism, Madam Adam, presents her predictions and advice for the opening of the academic year.
Aries I see political success in your future as your leadership planets, Jupiter and Saturn, part to make room for your huge ego. Perhaps you’ll join a local party branch, run for a position in UNE’s student association, or run a smear campaign against that kid from primary school who grew up to be more attractive than you. Your options for supremacy are virtually limitless.
Taurus Taurus is usually seen as a sign that craves security, and if you’re having trouble shaking the feeling that you’re a child trapped in a terrifying adult’s world, you’re not alone. Your history tutor? She sometimes says spaghetti as ‘busketti’. The third year who showed you around when you arrived? He has an Action Man collection that would make you cry. And your biology professor? He’s six years old.
Gemini Balance is a key feature in your 2014. A year’s first term is generally filled with college functions, pub nights, and social gatherings galore! Enjoy them while you can, but don’t let them get the better of you. While nauseating 3am rounds of King’s Cup may be alluring, the stars and Tyra Banks have conferred, and hangovers are definitely not in this year.
Cancer I see a frustrating encounter with Centrelink in your near future. A well-meaning but ill-equipped consultant will misinterpret everything about your application and leave you destitute for some time. But fear not, a few three hour calls and a form or two will get you back on instant noodles and old textbooks in no time. What Henderson poverty line?
Leo This year is about setting goals and achieving them, whether they’re for assessment marks, new friends made, or lectures actually attended. Some will be easy, but some will require determination, planning, and maybe a liquid refreshment or seven. Who knows, work hard enough, and you could end up UNE’s Vice Chancellor. I hear they’re hiring…
Virgo The New Year brings new expectations—don’t let them get them get the better of you. Living the twenty-something student life is not cute if the stress has you feeling sixty-something by graduation. Remember to breathe: exam results aren’t the end of the world. Unless you’re a med student, in which case people’s lives are literally in your hands. No pressure.
Libra Lectures, Tutorials, Labs, Quizzes, Assignments—so much to do, so little time! Hot tip: if zipping from place to place isn’t your style, online lectures are the ultimate way to unleash your inner hermit! Throw in a bar fridge and a year’s supply of cereal, and with a bit of work, soon you’ll be a colostomy bag away from doing away with mobility altogether!
Scorpio I see potential social conflict in your future. Remember, in every environment, there’s always a chance there’ll be people you won’t ‘click’ with, and university is no exception. Your lecturers or tutors won’t always seem like the most inspiring or friendly people, but they’ve done a lot to earn their place as your academic superior. If you think you’d do things differently, don’t get bitter, just get better!
Sagittarius The world is your oyster, and you know it! But remember—some find oysters to be an acquired taste, requiring persistence, while others will never munch a marine mollusc. If your classes turn you off, take a left and head in another direction! Unless you want to graduate with a degree in denial and dissatisfaction…
Capricorn This year, take a step out of your comfort zone. The library or the barstool may be your haunt of choice, but find someplace that gives you a new perspective on life. Pick up a new hobby, like knitting or cat-walking, or join a doomsday cult. You could expand your social circles, be open to new relationships, or even befriend an owl. I hear they’re a real hoot.
Aquarius Universities are places of tremendous diversity. If you’ve an obscure interest, chances are there’s a club for it. A fan of international cinema? Join the Foreign Films Society! Experience with cadavers? The New England Volunteer Morticians are accepting new members now. Like milk? The UNE Milk-Drinkers Collective meet twice a month. You’ll find your place in no time.
Pisces This year you’ll be presented with countless new opportunities for friendship and closeness, but be sure not to sacrifice your own needs and experiences to support a drunken cohort who look to you for free drinks and a designated driver. Support may be the bedrock of any relationship, but goon-vomit-chic does not complement a college jersey.
UNE Horoscope Spotlight: VC Jim Barber I see great change in your future. Perhaps a new haircut, perhaps a move down south—who knows! The future is yours to seize and we suggest you carpe that diem! Opportunities like this don’t come around too often and your happiness is the only thing that really matters—everything else is ancillary.