By Belinda Marsh After all my years on this planet, I have learned a thing or three, so I thought I’d share a few words of advice with you about heterosexual relationships (because they’re the only ones I’ve really ever been in).
Basic advice: • Pull your weight. Always. Cook dinner, do the shopping, clean up after yourself, wash clothes. Keep your house tidy, both of you. Share the load.
• When you do pull your weight, do not mention it. Gloating and fishing for compliments are not necessary. Part of being an adult is that you just get on with the job of living and making sure your house is decently clean enough so that nobody has to go to hospital with food poisoning.
• You do not deserve a medal for scrubbing the toilet.
• Speaking of toilets, here’s some advice for men: lift both lids, piss in the big, round hole without missing and urinating on the floor, rim, or windowsill, put both lids back down again, and flush. If you crap, scrub the bowl clean with the brush. Tada, simple AND polite. • Wash your hands. Always.
Relationship advice: • If you have a problem with the other person, talk about it. Nicely. Use sentences like, “When this happens, I feel...” And don’t use blame, or the childish line, “You make me feel...” because the honest truth is, nobody can make you feel anything. Your emotions are your choice. YOU deal with them, and think about why you felt the way you did when the other person did and/or said something. Then decide what you’re going to feel if it happens again. If you don’t, you will keep going round in circles, and you can kiss your relationship goodbye.
• During an argument, lower your voice, breathe, and calm down. Yelling in anger, and getting louder and louder, does not get your point across. Being a reasonable adult, and discussing the issue properly, does.
• If you hit the other person, it’s the end. Over. Physically abusing someone is wrong. Emotionally abusing someone is wrong. I don’t give a shit what your excuses are, because they are all inexcusable. People are not punching bags, whether you use your fists or your words. Go and get help ASAFP.
Sex advice for everyone: • Don’t ever equate hugs and kisses with sexual expectations. These are totally separate from sex, and if you only give them with the anticipation of getting nookie in return, your relationship is doomed. You should give them freely because you love each other and want to be close.
• Foreplay is actually important.
• Men, go down on her. Often.
• Men, do not treat each sex session as an audition for a porno. Most women will get bored and sore if you pound away for hours on end. If you do indeed pound away for hours on end, she more than likely will not orgasm that way. We’re not all designed like that.
• Women, stop moaning like you think you should because you saw it on Redtube. It will only confuse men into thinking they have to perform like they’re in a porno each and every time from then on, and it will become horrible.
• Women, DO NOT FAKE IT. This is serious advice from a woman who had to do it for a fair while. Once you start, it’s almost impossible to stop. If he thinks you’re orgasming by doing a certain act, then he will keep doing that certain act, and you’ll be stuck in a dreadful cycle. Be truthful and honest from the beginning to avoid disappointment. Please. Be kind to yourself. Have the honest orgasms you deserve. It doesn’t matter if it takes a long time, or his tongue gets sore, or if you feel really self-conscious. Just friggin’ well do it because otherwise you’re not being true to yourself, and your sex life will be shit. If you can’t orgasm for one reason or another, talk about it.
• Sex toys are good. Keep up a steady supply of good quality batteries.
• Men, if you experience any kind of erectile dysfunction, do not stop having sex. You have a tongue and fingers, remember? Use your tongue and fingers liberally. If you don’t know what to do with them, ask her to show you.
• Women: his penis is not like your clitoris. Ask him what he likes, and learn how he likes it.
• Do not assume the same techniques work on different partners.
• Shake up your sex lives often. Don’t get stuck in a routine.
Good luck, lovers.
Belinda likes to think she’s a writer, but honestly, she just likes to put on her rangry pants and have a good old rant. You can read her shenanigans at rangry.wordpress.com; she is also a regular contributor at thebigsmoke.com.au and theaimn.com.